Now, on to today’s curated video.
Turn up the volume on your computer and wait for it. Wait for the unholy screams of Morning Musume. Wait for the sloth-goat-kaiju of the apocalypse to come crawling, puking, mewling over your lap in waves of gore. It’s like those screams never end. It’s like they’re always intensifying. It’s more beautiful if you keep looping the video while mashing your face to the screen and chanting your favorite mantra. Make sure to record it and #DomoArigaDIE!!! that sucker. Make a Vine, too.
Is this my favorite video in the world? No, but, yes, it definitely could be. It should be. Yes, I would have to say that it is, because it’s everything that is right about Japanese television. No, that’s not right. It’s not. I do not. As P.D. Eastman once wrote, “I do not like that party hat.” This video is also, or the ONLY, perfect compliment to any noise album in your collection. Trust me. Try it. Turn on your favorite Masonna track and cue this video up side-by-side. Play them both, you bastardo. Louder, until you feel that needle-prick in your earholes. That’s your brain-juice clotting. Repeat this listening experiment for seventeen hours. You’ll feel what it’s like to become discombobulated. You’ll finally become a “morning musume.”
But, Grefe, isn’t this video just a bunch of J-pop stars screaming their heads off to a goofy horror prank? YES. It’s my entire literary output as summed up in a one minute long Youtube video. I aspire to this level of intensity. Stick your fingers in your ears and hum. This is my life goal and my artistic struggle. Oh, the pain–the tears, the suffering one must pass through if one truly wants to achieve greatness.
If you want shocking horror (minus the blood), this is it (extreme, shocking horror). And it makes me want to listen to some Morning Musume while I bleed out words all over this hotel room’s floor. Like chewing teeth and gums and dripping red syrup blots. There’s nothing wrong with a little chaos (Scream, Baby, Scream). There’s nothing wrong with watching this video 18,000 times on a Wednesday morning.
Don’t judge me. Watch it again. Yeah, so what if I didn’t even talk about that horror movie, RINGU… Who cares. It was good. It was scary and all that. The only thing I remember is Sadako with her hair over her face. That was years ago. Didn’t they remake that movie? I remember NOT liking that one so much, but you already know my tastes. I’d be content to watch this shocking horror Musume prank video for an hour and a half and call it art.
But, Grefe, aren’t you going to serenade us with your knowledge of Japanese horror films? NO. I’m pretty ridiculous when it comes to taste. Look, when I lived in Japan, I only wanted to watch US horror films. I couldn’t stand Japanese films when I lived there. Okay, that’s a lie. I lied. There were a few, but overall, I really craved American films when I was there. Upon return to the US, of course, I started getting more into Japanese films and less into our local fare. But now I’m old and mixed up and don’t really care and will watch anything. I watched THE HOST the other night and thought it was one of the greatest films I had ever seen. Like, ever. Like, yeah, EVER. But, it would have been better if Morning Musume popped up and screamed their heads off, right? Of course it would have. Write THAT book. Now, you’re getting me. We’re on the same page. Now, buy my book, please.
Or not. I’m going to watch this video again. Thanks for reading.